R.I.P. Richard Matheson

Legendary horror/sci-fi writer Richard Matheson has died at age 87.

Probably best known for his novel I Am Legend, Matheson also wrote 16 episodes of the original Twilight Zone series including the classics "Nightmare at 20,000 Feet," "The Invaders," "Nick of Time," and  "Third From the Sun." His short story "Duel" was adapted into a movie  by a young Steven Spielberg.  He wrote the teleplay for the made-for-TV movie The Night Stalker, which led to the series Kolchak: The Night Stalker.  He wrote episodes of Star Trek, The Outer Limits, Amazing Stories and Night Gallery to name only a few.  His works have been referenced or parodied on The Simpsons, Family Guy, 3rd Rock from the Sun, MST3K, and countless others.

Segment from Treehouse of Horror VIII: "The Homega Man"

Needless to say, Matheson was one of the most influential writers of the 20th century and had his hand in shaping not only the horror and sci-fi landscapes but just about every aspect of popular culture.  You could say that the man was legend.

Crunchgate

It turns out that beloved cereal mascot, Cap'n Crunch, isn't actually a captain!  A keen-eyed food blogger noted the three stripes on the "Cap'n's" uniform indicate that he's a commander, the rank below captain.

The Cap'n is in full-on crisis mode, trying to save what's left of his image.

Somebody get that man away from a keyboard! He's only making it worse.

Has he always been a commander, or was he demoted after the "Oops, All Berries" debacle of 1997?

He should have worn the box around his neck like an albatross.

After a few minutes of research, I discovered the awful truth.  At no point since appearing since 1963 has Horatio Magellan Crunch been a captain!  

Exhibit A

As you can see, the one stripe on his uniform in this early incarnation indicates that he's the oldest ensign in naval history.  

Peanut Butter Crunch, which was first released in 1969, shows that the man we called Cap'n has moved up a rank to Lieutenant.  

Exhibit B

And finally, in this newer box of Cap'n Crunch, he appears as a commander.

Exhibit C

From the few minutes of (admittedly shoddy) research I did,  I've discovered that the only way he can still legitimately call himself captain is if his vessel isn't a military one.  And I guess the ship is the SS Guppy (rather than the USS Guppy), thus indicating that it's a civilian ship.  But that's almost more disturbing.  Is Cap'n Crunch merely an eccentric old man who just wanted to spend his golden years fighting the soggies with his loyal crew?  Why is he wearing an 18th century military uniform?  Even with all the evidence stacked against him, I choose to believe the Cap'n.  After all, for the past 50 years he's been saying that his cereal stays crunchy in milk.  And that's no lie.

The Story of Tantalus

In Greek mythology, Tantalus was one of the many sons of Zeus.  Generally well-liked by the gods, Tantalus was often invited to dine with them.  At one of the Mount Olympus pot-lucks, Tantalus brought a stew made of his own son, Pelops*. The gods figured out what they were being served and nobody ate any, except for Demeter.  Distracted while thinking about her daughter (who had been kidnapped by Hades), she ate a chunk of shoulder.

Anyway, the gods restored Pelops to life, although he was missing part of his shoulder.  The missing shoulder was replaced with ivory, which isn't such a bad deal considering he was stew a couple of hours earlier.

As punishment for ruining dinner, Tantalus was sent to Tartarus, which is the part of the underworld where the gods sent people that really pissed them off.  Tantalus was bound and immersed in water up to his neck, below the overhanging branches of some low-hanging fruit.  Every time he'd bend down to drink, the water would recede before he could reach it.  And anytime he'd try to snag a piece of fruit with his teeth, the winds would blow the branches just beyond his reach.

From Tantalus we get the word 'tantalize,' temptation without satisfaction.

*In some versions, Tantalus stole ambrosia and the secrets of the gods and shared them with humans, but I'm always going to go with whatever version is the most ghoulish.