Crunchgate

It turns out that beloved cereal mascot, Cap'n Crunch, isn't actually a captain!  A keen-eyed food blogger noted the three stripes on the "Cap'n's" uniform indicate that he's a commander, the rank below captain.

The Cap'n is in full-on crisis mode, trying to save what's left of his image.

Somebody get that man away from a keyboard! He's only making it worse.

Has he always been a commander, or was he demoted after the "Oops, All Berries" debacle of 1997?

He should have worn the box around his neck like an albatross.

After a few minutes of research, I discovered the awful truth.  At no point since appearing since 1963 has Horatio Magellan Crunch been a captain!  

Exhibit A

As you can see, the one stripe on his uniform in this early incarnation indicates that he's the oldest ensign in naval history.  

Peanut Butter Crunch, which was first released in 1969, shows that the man we called Cap'n has moved up a rank to Lieutenant.  

Exhibit B

And finally, in this newer box of Cap'n Crunch, he appears as a commander.

Exhibit C

From the few minutes of (admittedly shoddy) research I did,  I've discovered that the only way he can still legitimately call himself captain is if his vessel isn't a military one.  And I guess the ship is the SS Guppy (rather than the USS Guppy), thus indicating that it's a civilian ship.  But that's almost more disturbing.  Is Cap'n Crunch merely an eccentric old man who just wanted to spend his golden years fighting the soggies with his loyal crew?  Why is he wearing an 18th century military uniform?  Even with all the evidence stacked against him, I choose to believe the Cap'n.  After all, for the past 50 years he's been saying that his cereal stays crunchy in milk.  And that's no lie.